Guys Don't Always Suck

So recently I decided to sell my BEAUTIFUL love of my life Chance.

He got his name because I had a cousin named Chance. His father was a jockey and one night coming home from practice he lost control of the vehicle and slid under a semi. Killing Chance instantly. In memory of him I claimed the next foal born. And thus the second Chance was born. The thing is, I lived in Virginia at the time so I could not take care of him. So he was pretty wild at 5 years old. When we (my mother and I) moved to Ohio I finally got to train him. I had him rideable pretty quickly. Which was surprising because I think he was beat by one of the stable hands. So he was always pretty skittish. But I moved back to Virginia about a year ago and he is back to being unrideable. My grandmother's horse farm is going under so she decided to sell the horses. (horses still for sale as of 11/10/13 contact Carolyn Stroombeek 440-983-4213) She asked me if I wanted to sell Chance. I balked at first but realized with some help from my sister-

From left to right

Amanda(sister) Carolyn Stroombeek (Grandmother)

 that I can not take care of him. Not from this distance. So no matter how much I love him he deserves a good home. Well the auctioneer had a friend that he told about Chance. He is interested. Of course I am going to check out his farm and do a background check on him but it looks promising.

     Which brings me to my second point. Because of all this I realized that every day we have is TRULY a gift. And that is not to be taken lightly. Because of my past I carry around a lot of baggage. (I'll post about this later) but I finally REALLY REALIZED that self-loathing and hatred for other people is not living life to its fullest.  So I am going into my past and resolving issues there. So I can move forward.

   Which brings me to my third point. I contacted an ex. (Name has been changed to insure anonymity) (we will call him X). I told X that I was sorry. You see when we broke up I was so ashamed and defeated that I wouldn't even make eye contact with him in the halls of school. I waited almost a month for a reply. All he asked was "for?" my reply? "For being the biggest ass hat that ever lived". Well we started talking. I asked  a lot of questions. Why did HE think it ended. When was the beginning of the end. We talked about what I learned from the relationship. The lesson of patience. To be a grateful giver AND receiver. Don't push. Stop seeing myself as the enemy. Try to be what others think they see in you (good). Sometimes it is okay to give up. It is okay to love. And to hurt. I learned to separate fact and fiction in ideals. I learned that some of my standards for guys are unrealistic. I learned that pain is okay. Not to seek solace in a relationship after coming out of one. I am too hard on myself. I don't have to prove myself to anybody. It is okay to fight. Not to project my insecurities. relationships aren't easy. Above all I learned that whenever you have something good. So amazingly good. Don't let go. If you do you will never find it again. He told me I had changed. Which made me think. Yeah I have. And for the better too. So out of failed relationships really do come good things. He asked me "Do you miss me? Do you miss us?" I told him it was a dangerous question but that yes I did. And he told me he missed me too. Idk. Am I fooling myself? I want to fix my past not repeat mistakes.

On another note. I picked smoking back up again. Yes I know it is bad and whatever but I smoke MAYBE a pack every 3 months so eh. It helps me deal with the stress. Anyways I promised a longer post. So here it was.

Being the bigger person DOES Pay

I really should stop writing such short posts. So tonight I promise that I will write a longer one. I recently reconnected with an old boyfriend. I realized that the way things ended were not okay. I needed closure. He admitted he missed me. We stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning talking. About what went wrong and little stuff too. I am glad I reached out. (More on that later). Sometimes it DOES pay to be the bigger person.

Wow ok so it has been a while since I posted. Well I recently googled myself. And found a lot more out there on me than I wanted. So I am currently contacting different sites and asking my accounts to be removed. I guess we will see where this goes from here.

Doing le homework?

Doin my homework (summer school ugh) to the best beats ever

I Tried Meditating Today..

Llewellyn-Dusk-a song to meditate to.I decided I needed a break from doing my summer school Biology course. So I booted up iTunes and found a nice Ambient Radio stream. It got me thinking. I needed more calm in my life. So I found a list of mantras. I think i'll use one every night for a week and then work down the list. 52 mantras for 52 weeks in a year. Wish me well.

1. There are people in this world that would die for me.
2. There are people in this world I would die for.
3. The truth will set me free.  I will never lie.
4. People are not mind readers.  I must never hesitate to tell someone how I feel.
5. Mistakes happen.  I must learn from my mistakes and the mistakes of others.
6. Life is short and people are not perfect.  I will forgive myself.  I will forgive others.
7. My smile brings happiness to the world around me.
8. There is nobody else exactly like me, with my exact abilities, talents, and ideas.
9. I can help myself by helping those around me first.
10. The people I care about deserve to know it.  I will show them how much they mean to me on a regular basis.
11. I will accept compliments and criticism openly and make educated decisions based on a weighted sum of the two.
12. Information is infinite.  There are ideas, products and cultures I do not yet understand.  I will always keep an open mind to new formulas.
13. I am in competition with one person, and one person only… myself.  I am competing to be the best I can be.
14. True wisdom is the byproduct of life experience.  I will seek as many real world experiences as possible.
15. Education involves self-imposed discipline.  I can only learn if I want to learn.  I want to learn.
16. I will treat everyone with the same level of respect I would give to my grandfather and the same level of patience I would have with my baby brother.
17. I am what I eat.  My body is a machine that must be fueled properly if I intend to make it last.
18. I will think before I act, but I will always act.
19. I will try new things for the sake of broadening my horizons.
20. I will never be reckless with another person’s feelings.
21. I will never let someone persist on being reckless with my feelings.
22.  The three most important things in my life are my health, my family and friends, and my education.  Everything else is secondary.
23. I will celebrate my successes.  I deserve it.
24. Money will only make my life easier if it is mine free and clear.
25. If I wake up several mornings in a row and hate what I am about to do with my day, I will make a change.  Life is too short.
26. I will never be jealous.  Jealousy only deteriorates possibility.
27. My attitude can change my reality.
28. If I want to remember it, I will write it down in a trusted location.
29. I will never spend more than I have.
30. I will thank the people who have helped me, and I will return the favor as soon as I am able.
31. I will never complain about a problem.  I will supply a solution instead.
32. I will listen more than I speak.
33. If I don’t know, I will ask questions.
34. Everything is nothing without happiness.  I must do what makes me happy.
35. I will never succumb to greed.  Enough is enough.
36. Time is precious.  I will manage my time effectively.
37. Right now is the only guaranteed moment in my life.  I will make the best of it.
38. I will stand firm by my values without senselessly promoting them.
39. I will never over-promise.  I will over-deliver on everything I commit to.
40. I will always assess the situation and provide value where needed.
41. I cannot make someone love me.  I can only be someone who can be loved.
42. I will always strive to be the best I can be, but I will never try to be someone I’m not.
43. I will always articulate my words so people understand me.
44. I will slow down and become conscious of life’s simple pleasures.
45. Everything I do is by choice.  There is always another option.
46. Less is more.  I will get rid of the stuff I do not use.
47. If I never try, I will never know.
48. I will face my fears.  I will not cower.
49. My habits define my life.
50. I will always take ownership of my actions, or my actions will own me.
51. I will never make decisions in a state of emotional haste.
52. If I don’t finish what I start, my success rate will always be zero.